I’m asking myself this morning if there was one thing I needed to be more true about, what would it be… It would be about me not having so much energy. About me not doing too many things outside of my home. About me feeling like a college graduate ready to start anew, conquer the world by living me and to live from this place that has become me from everything I have ever experienced, acquired, loved, and been hurt by.
To create a new chapter of the rest of my life…
For many, many years – probably since I started this blog, I have gone inward. I have travelled inward instead of outward to all the many beautiful places in our world. I have journeyed inward into all the depth and adventure that is me.
I got quiet. I shied away from people. I learned and absorbed from a place that is me.
Previous to this, I had travelled to many lands, experienced many things from what is in the ocean to being up in the sky. I have snorkeled with fish and coral and helicoptered over dormant volcanoes and beautiful waterfalls.
Inwardly, I have experienced many dark caves and waded and gone deeply through many powerful feelings and emotions.
Today, if I were to be true… I never imagined this as my life. I never saw myself living in one extreme to another. I never knew I could experience such great and wonderful heights and feel such low and dark places.
I have lived humanly aware (with 100% goal to do so) for the last half a decade at least. I have previously lived numb to the humanity of my own self because I believed pain was something I did not want to experience in the now or ever again. I have lived wide awake and walked through great loss aware of every breath, step and connection that I had with myself and others.
Sometimes, I still think I’d rather not be human. It is always easier for me to go above (or is it under) the feelings of pain and the joy of arousal and being a body alive.
I am an Empath. A person who feels other people’s wants, desires, needs, ‘lostness’ and when they are found.
I feel deeply. It is very easy for me to get lost in the drama, insecurity, pain of my own life and/or another’s. This is why sometimes I rather not be human.
I feel deeply. It is very easy for me to understand that hurt people hurt people. Only a person in pain can cause pain to another living thing or being. It is easy for me to know who we are underneath (or is it above) our humanness.
It used to be that I would go and go and then take a day or two off to just lay, eat and recharge. I gave up this part of myself when I had a child; when I was blessed with the miracle of a beautiful and brilliant daughter.
Now, she is grown and more on her own than not, I find myself taking a month or two or three to lay, eat and recharge. I have some catching up to do.
I could easily call myself a loser in the small picture of today. But, in the big picture of my life, I know that this is just what I need and when I feel guilt coming up, I ask it to dissipate. It doesn’t belong here.
I feel what I feel for real reasons. I want to do what I do for real reasons. I emote like I emote because of who I am and what I have been through. I give myself permission to be me — as often and as frequently and as self-empowering as I can be.
We all live human lives. As we start to embrace, allow and become the truth of what we know and feel, we win at this ‘game’ of life.
Perhaps, this is our purpose here. To learn to accept, be with, engage and even embrace as much of who we are as possible. I don’t know if it is humanly possible (for me at least) to embrace all that I am all of the time.
The more I do it, the easier it becomes. The first day someone told me to look in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself – I thought they were nuts. I probably looked at them like they had two heads as this was something that I was not understanding of or connected to.
Today, I can look in the mirror and tell myself many wonderful and loving things to myself. I can always tell myself I love myself.
May you realize where it is best for you to be true to yourself today and, just maybe, if you haven’t already done so… let today be the day you tell yourself in the mirror that you love yourself and you are totally awesome. You were born awesome. You are the only one to decide if you are awesome or not. May you know that you are awesome and may you tell the person in the mirror looking back at you that you love them and that they are awesome…
Truly awesome on…
May you let your truly awesome out and turned on as often as possible.